OOPS!
MAN DIES WHEN PROJECTILE CASHEW PENETRATES
SKULL. YESTERDAY AT BILLIONAIRE' LEX LUTHOR'S
ANNUAL REPORTER BANQUET A SCENE THAT WAS
HEROIC FOR MANY TURNED INTO SUDDEN TRAGEDY.
LOCAL CUB REPORTER CLARK KENT FOR THE DAILY
PLANET PERFORMED THE HEIMLICH MANUEVER ON A
CHOKING LUTHOR. " IT WAS THE ODDEST THING," ONE
ONLOOKER CLAIMS "ALL DURING THE ENTIRE PARTY
THOSE TWO GUYS JUST KEPT GOING AT IT, I WONDERED
WHY HE INVITED KENT SINCE KENT DID ALL THAT
NEGATIVE STUFF ON HIM, HECK I WONDERED WHY HE
INVITED ANY OF US, WE ALL KINDA BASH THE GUY
GIVEN THE CHANCE. HE'S A PUNCHING BAG DOWN IN
THE BULLROOM WHEN IT'S A SLOW NEWS DAY." THE
ARGUEMENT SEEMED TO START WHEN LEX ACCUSED
KENT OF "SNOOPING" AROUND HIS BUILDING DURING
AN ENDLESS KEY NOTE SPEECH BY LEX'S DRY CLEANER.
THE FIGHT WAS INTERRUPTED AFTER LUTHOR POPPED A
CASHEW IN HIS MOUTH LAUGHING AND PROCLAIMING
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING ON ME. HE THEN BEGAN TO
CHOKE... KENT IMMEDIATELY SPRANG INTO ACTION
JUMPING UP TO ADMINISTER THE HEIMLICH MANUEVER.
"WELL WE WERE ALL WAITING FOR IT YOU KNOW, LIKE
WHEN YOU SEE IT ON TV, THE PAYOFF IS SEEING THE
FOOD SPRING FORTH, BUT NOTHING." AS THE CROWD
LOOKED AROUND FOR THE COMEDIC VALUE, THEY
WERE HALTED BY THE SCREAM OF A WOMAN IN THE
BACK OF THE ROOM...HE'S DEAD SHE YELLED, HE'S DEAD
! BERNIE SHOMAC OF THE SUNDAY PARADE LAY
LIFELESS. LUTHOR WAS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL TO
SEE TO SEVERAL BROKEN RIBS AND A PUNCTURED
LUNG. WITNESSES SAY HE WAS LAUGHING
DELERIOUSLY REPEATING EVIL WINS, EVIL WINS.

BERNIE SHOMAC A LIFE IN PHOTOS WILL APPEAR IN THIS
SUNDAY'S PARADE AND SERVICES WILL BE POSTED IN
TOMORROWS LIFESTYLE SECTION.

ON A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY SUPERMAN WAS
SEEN WEEPING AT THE BUS STATION.